Strategic Planning

I like strategic planning. It is, in fact, a big portion of what I do on a regular basis for work. Often these skill sets bleed into my everyday life and I find myself constantly evaluating efficiencies. Thus, it makes sense I would select an apartment unit as close to the elevator as possible. This seemed logical for many reasons, the top reason being that I am usually carrying three bags of random crap at any given time and the ability to sprint 10 feet from elevator to apartment was a critical selling point.

Turns out this was a bad decision--there is a whole lotta action that takes place next to the elevator. There are Woodner “Block Parties” (which I will address at a later date) and epic fights, but what truly makes living next to the elevator an adventure is the alarm.

The first time I heard the elevator alarm I was really confused. It wasn’t a fire alarm…it was a loud buzzing: REALLY loud, and really constant, and completely immune to earplugs. After a half hour of relentless blaring a girl gets curious as to what all the fuss is about. The fuss apparently was a drunken fool with impeccable timing. This man managed to pass out in the elevator right before he was able to make his exit. All I could see of him (while remaining safely within my doorway) was a dirty yellow boot and an elevator door squashing his foot at evenly timed intervals. If there had been blood it would have looked exactly like an opening sequence for Law and Order SVU.

Eventually he must have woken up or perhaps someone with more balls and one of these decided to drag his sorry ass out of the lift—and no doubt position him in such a way that he didn’t suffocate on his own vomit. After all, the residents of Chateau Woodner are nothing if not well versed in accidental overdose protocol.